View Quote Harry: [to Rufus the gift-wrapper] NO! No bloody holly!
View Quote Juliet: We've never got friendly. I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie. And it would be great if we could be friends.
View Quote Karl: Life is full of interruptions and complications.
View Quote Mia: I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
View Quote Sarah: [on phone] Hello, babe. No, I'm not busy, no - fire away.
View Quote The President of the U.S.: I'll give you anything you ask for - as long as it's not something I don't want to give.
View Quote Annie: Right, I'll just go get my things, and then let's fix the country, shall we?
Prime Minister: Yeah, I can't see why not.
View Quote Billy Mack: [about his new song] This is sh*t, isn't it?
Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold sh*t, maestro.
View Quote Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.
Joe: Right.
Billy Mack: And I realized that as dire chance and fateful ****up would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.
[pause]
Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
Billy Mack: Yeah...
Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.
View Quote Colin: [after insulting the food] And what do you do Nancy?
Nancy the caterer: I'm a cook.
Colin: Ever do weddings?
Nancy the caterer: Yes I do.
Colin: They should have asked you to do this one.
Nancy the caterer: They did.
Colin: God, I wish you hadn't turned it down.
Nancy the caterer: I didn't.
View Quote Daniel: [knocks on Sam's door] Sam, time for dinner.
Sam: I'm not hungry.
Daniel: Sam... I've done chicken kebabs!
Sam: Didn't you see the sign on the door?
[He starts practising his drums; Daniel leans back and sees the sign, which says, "I SAID - I'M NOT HUNGRY"]
Daniel: Okay...
View Quote Daniel: And I'm afraid there's something really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.
Karen: At the age of eleven?
Daniel: Maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
View Quote Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.
...
Daniel: Option One: ask her out.
Sam: Impossible.
Daniel: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.
Sam: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.
Daniel: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.
Sam: It's a route I've considered.
Daniel: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...
Sam: Hygiene.
...
Daniel: All right, we can definitely crack this. I was a kid once too, remember. Now, it's someone at school?
Sam: Yes.
Daniel: Good, good. And how does she... or he... feel about you?
Sam: She doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven.
Daniel: Hmmm...
[sits on the couch next to Sam]
Daniel: Well... [grins] Basically, you're ****ed, aren't you?
View Quote Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam: [referring to the Titanic film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.
[Holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.
View Quote Dec: Billy, I believe you've brought a prize for our competition winners.
Billy Mack: Yes I have, Ant or Dec. It's a personalized felt tip pen.
